September 10, 2004

Journal Ramblings

Usually when I scan an image from my journal I erase the writing and type it into my blog, selectively sometimes. Today, I wasn't sure what to take out so I scanned the whole page...which I actually worked on at two different times. (Man, there are a lot of sirens coming this directions right now...I wonder what is going on)...Anyway, It was good for me to draw this image and get some of my feelings down on paper. I am sure I am not the only person in the world who feels like this...and I would not say that my stress level has reached it's highest point, but at times I feel very overwhelmed with all the things I am responsible for. I feel very small, and I sometimes feel that it can never be possible to be satisfied with the way that i handle all of theses responsibilities. I love my job, I would never leave it willingly. But it takes so much out of me, and sometimes... when I think about the time I spend with my family during the summer compared to the amount of time I have leftover to spend with them now, I wonder if teaching full time is the best thing for the kids and our family. I look at my sister and her kids...she does not work...her house is always clean (seriously)...she always has everything she needs...her preschooler can read...her 2 year old knows practically all of her letters and sounds and colors! My two year old...not even close...I can't help but wonder if that is a reflection on me and how I don't spend the time working on letters, practicing writing, and such with my kids...because I don't have it - time. When I do have time with them we read books, play, or I am busy getting meals, drinks, changing diapers (takes up at least a half hour each evening), nursing Karson, or whatever other demands may come along in the few hours I have to spend with my kids each evening after work. Is this how God intends us to be? Am I doing everything I should be as a mother? I struggle with these questions often...even though I know in my mind that I do not have the choice to do anything different because of financial/insurance reasons. Regardless of all of this, I am grateful to God for providing this job for me because I know his hand was totally controlling all the circumstances of me getting hired here.


Anonymous Anonymous said...

No we have not forgotten you, we check almost everyday on this site. When I don't see new things, I only know that you are quite busy and then I know I must say I prayer for a busy mom, teacher, wife and daughter. It is not easy to do what you do, but we know that you do a great job and every child and home is different. You have touched so many lives with your gifts and tallents. And especially your children. They have learned some wonderful things by being your children. So comparing is not the right game to play, being your self and using the gifts that God has given you blesses everyone including yourself. If God led you to teach and have a job as you do, then there is extra strength and grace to go along with it. Keep on keeping on and know that you will have new strength and stamina as you take each step. We love your art and pictures and even how you express yourself in words and art. And we love you just the way you are...! Love, MOM and DAD

12:09 AM  

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